It's been a month since my last post, and there's a reason for it. I've been wandering close to the hole of depression. I know what depression feels like - the utter sense of hopelessness and the confusion as to where it came from. The inability to get out of bed because you convince yourself it wouldn't really make a difference if you did. The anxious thoughts that guide you into isolation, and the fear that if anyone knew, they would think you're being lazy. Let me tell you something - if you're mind is in this battle zone, I know very well the internal accusations replaying over and over.
I get it. This is a great reminder - it isn't a matter of you being lazy, it's a matter of you having unlimited access to the healing grace of God.
Laying on the floor, tears streaming down my face, 4 weeks ago I asked God why I was still struggling in this area. I thought I had put it to bed. I had worked through a lot of my past pains and come out on top...or so I thought. Why was this happening now? It was almost as bad as when my mom had just passed away. I didn't understand. After a few counseling sessions, some processing, and a last ditch effort at the doctor's office, I learned something much to my surprise - I was highly deficient in a particular vitamin and needed to get a few shots and get on my way. I did that and was soon free from the cloud of depression.
In my past, it's rarely been that easy to overcome. Depression usually has a range of sources. It can be medical, spiritual, and/or mental - and there are varieties of appropriate treatment, often a combination of medicine and mindfulness practices to help you move forward. I know 'mindfulness' can be a scary term in Christian culture, but it's just another way of saying, manage your soul, something Pastor Kris & Jason Vallotton talk about a lot. We can't assume a single cause because we are complicated beings, there is a lot at work in and around us. I try to keep that in mind.
I had a rough year working through a lot of things, but the faithfulness of God can't be measured. I felt the tug on my heart to write down my desires, the things I really want. So I did. I decided to pack my bags and go make some of those things happen - I honestly didn't know how because I felt like I had tried time and time before, only to find the doors shut. I went with the attitude that I wouldn't fail this time because I was determined to see my life shift and take hold of the promises God had given me - my time was NOW.
In a matter of three days, I found my dream apartment, was offered a perfect job, and given the drive to expand DTR into something that would help a lot of women. Through our DTR platform we've been able to reach out and ask our community about real-life controversial scenarios, hoping to find out what people are thinking and how we can safely discuss a lot of taboo topics. The feedback has been amazing and we hope you continue to write us as we grow DTR into what we've been dreaming for.
I was sitting at my desk, wondering why this was the moment everything was happening for me. I asked God, and didn't hear much of a response. I did, however, remind myself of 2 Cor 3:18. I had a friend once tell me God takes us from "better to better". He wants to. He desires to. It's because of his grace, it's as simple as that.
Ask God for a love revelation, it's the best kind. He will show you love in the way you receive it, and you will surely know he's taking you from better to better. It's the foundation to freedom.
The new job I've been offered fits beyond perfect into my schedule and plans right now. The funny thing is, I was literally called about this job driving in the car after leaving the dream apartment I had just looked at. It wasn't even on my radar. It's one of the dreams I had put to bed and yet now I'm excited to be a part of it again. It's FUN. My point is, go after what you want, God will surprise you with the rest.
Okay so you know how devotionals are usually pretty corny and for lack of a better term...basic? We hope to give you weekly devotionals that are real, raw, funny, and knowing us, probably kind of sarcastic.
Devotionals for the not-so-perfect-Christian-women (and men) you could say. Write to us, follow us on Instagram and Facebook, be a part of our community and make sure we hear your voice. Love you guys!
PS. Here is a great tidbit from Jason Vallotton talking about emotional health. Take a gander.