Triggers, stumbling blocks, and the reality of loss

In the mental health world, there are things called 'triggers'. In the Christian world, there are things called 'stumbling blocks'. In my world, you can call it what you want but whatever it is, it leads to anxiety and a potential depressive outcome.

Mother's Day is one of those moments for me.  I wish I was that person who could be like

"my mom died 3 years ago but God is good and everything is good and I'm at peace now,"

but in reality, I'm a little more human than that. My mom has been gone for this long, I do believe God is good, yesterday everything was good, but today I'm struggling with anxiety and it sucks. 

I'll tell you what it feels like: this intense fear of going on Facebook as if everyone is posting photos with your ex-boyfriend. I went to Orangetheory yesterday and saw a poster that said "give your mom the gift of working out" with a photo of a mother and daughter laughing. These were my thoughts:

'Mom would literally hate me if I 'gave her the gift of working out' and ask me why I didn't get her a cake instead. Aw she was the funniest. I miss her. I wish I could call her and tell her that. Ugh, I can't. Ever.'

Que tears I wish would go away so I can run away my anxiousness.

I've had some crazy experiences that have let me know my mom is alive and kicking in heaven but that doesn't negate the fact that there are moments I wish she was here so I could have a cup of coffee with her and tell her about the guy who took me to church on a date (this would literally be her dream date fyi), or watch youtube videos of Prince William and Kate while pretending we are part of the royal family.

I honestly tear up as I write this because no, I don't get to do this with her anymore, but the truth is I know she is very much still around, yelling at God to hurry up and find me a husband or visiting me in my dreams to let me know it's okay to cry. I don't know how to explain how heavenly real she is to me, I just know.

Loss sucks. Most of you have experienced it. Holidays, hallmark days, birthdays, anniversaries...these are all 'triggers' and can lead to more intense feelings than we wish. I've learned to embrace it and have conversations with people who are experiencing something similar. We are all here to support and love each other, so I suppose I just want to let someone out there know, the DTR blog has got your back. 

I would post a photo of my mom and I to end this but I still can't seem to look at photos of her. Maybe next year. For now, here is a quote by C.S. Lewis I found comforting in my more difficult moments of grieving. I'm also obsessed with this P&G Olympic video about moms.

PS. It's okay to cry.



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